:: Bad ::

8.15am, 14 Nov 2010

I feel very bad in these few days. Started since i received a text message from my Along, and repeated phone calls from my father. I feel so bad that i cant even tell anybody. It's too personal so it remained undisclosed, masked by my laugh n usual attitude.

I can hide the sorrow, i tried to make myself busy so that it wont play around my mind. However when i was on-called last night, when i was copying the progression of my patient (in NICU, for the purpose of Prematurity seminar in Monday) i'd became so stressed up and i cant concentrate on what i was writing, aggravated by the ugly (read: very very ugly) handwriting of the one who wrote the progression. Seriously, the handwriting was even worse than Maggi kari berapi/ Taik Kambing jatuh tergolek, Cacing kepanasan or whatever u want to call it, and due to that, i cant finish my work and if possible i want to tear the pages off, throw them in d dustbin! I asked my friend to read them for me but they also just cant imagine what is the handwriting is trying to say!!!!!! So i just went back to my hostel n planned to go again to NICU in this morning, with a better feeling, i hope.

I went back to my room, crying all the way. I dont like people who easily cry as i hardly seen my strong mother crying, but the lacrimal gland was so hyperactive!! I asked A*er, maybe for a dinner treat but he was away in Kelantan. So instead of locking myself in the room, i made myself mixed w my frens, laughing n gossiping like nothing happened. I just cant tell anybody.

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Everybody desires a happily growing family. Nobody wants the separation. Nobody wants the so-called step-mother, step-siblings and whatever step else! I am so so unfortunate to have a very *********** step-siblings!! (i dont know what is the best word to say how bad they are)!! And it is even bad when u hv to sacrifice to them (read: the hatred). They nvr respect u, they nvr doing good to u, even when u go to their house, u will feel like u go to the hell! Ouch, too harsh to say the hell, but its just like a minute u r with them, it's such a corresponding to 1 month/ 1 year etc etc! They r too lazy to work even they r older than me, but they hv a good life as somebody is supporting them, financially. Yeah, so pity to be that somebody.

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My siblings grown up under the all-out-sacrifice of my beloved mother. Without her, we wont be able to bring the spirits to UM, UKM, UiTM (late IMU) , UiTM, UiTM.. Without her, my lil brother wont be in Tahfiz al-Hakim now, who requires at least 500rm/month for the fees n other maintenance. Without her, my lil DS brother wont be able to go to a special school and he wont be smart enough to take care of himself. Without her, we are NOTHING, especially me, i wont ended up in this medical faculty.

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Im just so pity to my Along but i cant do anything. I know how bad she feels now but I cant help her. And im pretty sure my time will come soon enough to be in her shoes. :((
Problems r always there, from the mother's side (refer here), father's side etc etc.
After all, I believe that Allah is extremely fair, He knows better how far people can take His ordeal.

p/s: I wrote in English bcoz if i use BM, the words that come out from my typing fingers will be too bad to be read. I told the stories in pieces so that the one who is bright enough will catch up the whole story, otherwise, i hope nobody understand!